A Simple Rewrite

Monday, June 7, 2010 11:58:25 PM

I've decided to offer my service to the President and the other apostles  in Congress by doing a simple rewrite of Matthew, chapter 6, verses 19 - 34. Do you think they'll be able to use it? I know they are so much smarter than Jesus Christ, as well as his Father, who Jesus claimed was God. What was Jesus thinking?

19 Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal which we have appropriated from others:
20 It is irresponsible for you to But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal: or anywhere else the government cannot regulate:
21 For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also. Smile
22 The light of the body is the eye: if therefore thine eye be single bi-partisan and focused on the solutions instead of the problems, thy whole body shall be full of light.
23 But if thine eye be evil and you believe in the vast conspiracy of limited government, thy whole body shall be full of darkness. If therefore the light that is in thee be darkness, how great is that darkness!Embarassed
24 No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God the global community and mammon.
24.5 I would like to take this time to recognize those paid volunteers offering their lives in service to this great nation of ours. We have just appropriated another two hundred thirty four million dollars in order to honor their achievements.
25 Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat (we have a plan for that), or what ye shall drink (we have a plan for that, too); nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on (I promise you it will be environmentally friendly). Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment?
26 Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father our compassionate leaders on Congress feedeth them. And I promise you, the American people, every drop of oil will be wiped from their downy feathers. Are ye not much better than they?
27 Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature? Frown
28 And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field the tax receipts, the borrowings, the entitlements, the bailouts, the handouts, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin:
29 And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these Tongue out.
30 Wherefore, if God the full faith and credit of the United States so clothe the grass of the field the workers of the world, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven is collecting Social Security, Medicare, and Treasury Backed Pensions, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith?
31 Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? Surprised
32 (For after all these things do the Gentiles evil unregulated corporations seek:) for your heavenly Father benevolent government knoweth that ye have need of all these things.
33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God consensus of the global community, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.
34 Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself for we have already thought of those things for you. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof liberation from the greedy ideals of past generations, new freedoms and liberty we've granted you, and the change you can believe in.

Disclaimer: The words in red are not words of Jesus, but rather words I added.

You must sign in to this site to post comments.

Site Map | Printable View | © 2008 - 2017 squareheaded.com | Blog Map